Halo pa, Papa lagi dimana sekarang?
Pasti papa sekarang lagi melayang-layang, mengunjungi kita semua, yang sekarang lagi patah hati karena ditinggal tiba-tiba.
Why did you leave so sudden?
There’s so many things I want to talk to you about, so many things I wish we could do together.
I know you’ve been in a lot of pain these past few years. And I’m sorry I couldn’t make it better. I’m sorry I couldn’t save you. I’m sorry I had to leave to study in a country so far away. But not a single day passed by that I didn’t think of you, missing you and your jokes, and your gentle love.
I keep talking about how great of a dad you are. And how I wish, my kid would be able to experience it one day. I kept talking about how you always come pick us up when mom is busy, how you always push us to study, not for the sake of being smart, but for the sake of working relentlessly. Every week you take us to the bookshop and let us buy whatever books we want. Because you want us to love reading. And now it’s my favorite thing in the world.
You’re quiet. But you’re a great storyteller. You always have been. Your laughs are contagious, and it’s one of my favorite sounds in the world. I remember at every family gatherings, you used to make us chuckle with your random stories. It’s been a while since we have one, but I cherish every moments we’ve got this far.
My heart aches whenever I see your tired eyes, or when you’re limping trying to get to the door. You used to be a furious tiger. So tough and so fiery, and yet you always have a soft spot for me.
I am grateful, for being able to be with you more in the past five years. Although it’s mostly for less-than-ideal circumstances, I still enjoy every second that we got to spend together. I’m happy for every chance I get to accompany you to the doctors, or feed you, or give you a massage so that your back won’t be sore. I always wish I had more time to love you. Apparently, 30 years isn’t nearly enough.
Pa, I will never forget how hard you fought so that I can end up with someone that I love. I will never forget the sparkle in your eyes when you meet my boyfriend for the first time — you said he looks like the guy you kept seeing in your dream. Exactly who I’m meant to be with. Thank you for always being on my side, and letting me experience life the way I want it to be. You never once try to cut my dreams, or to undermine my aspirations. You always came with your unwavering support, and I wouldn’t be who I am without you.
Pa, would you come to my dream every now and then? Let me know everything’s gonna be fine? And that you’d still be with me even though you’re physically not here anymore? Would you still be my guardian angel? Because I’m not so sure I could carry on without hearing your reassuring voices in my Whatsapp voice notes.
You’re a man of a few words. But you always let your love shown. The way you take care of mum, the way you take care of us. You showed me what kind of man I should be with. I hope that we can honor your legacy, carry your wisdom, and tell your story to your future grandkids. It pains me more than anything that you wouldn’t be able to see them. But I think- I think deep down I know you’d be looking over us.
Pa, mom is heartbroken with your departure. I couldn’t imagine what she must’ve felt right now. But I promise you, I will be by her side. I will try my best to make it better — if that’s a possibility. Or if not, I will grieve with her. We’d do it together. We’d reminisce all the good memories that you left behind. All the short weekend gateways, the annual vacations, the busy school days, the in-betweens. You always said, “When I’m gone, don’t be sad. Just be happy, have a party.” I will try pa. I will try to be strong for her.
Pa, papa sekarang udah nggak kesakitan lagi ya? Sekarang kaki papa udah kuat, nggak ada luka-luka lagi. Sekarang ginjal papa udah baik lagi, papa udah sehat. Nggak harus cuci darah lagi dan nggak harus makan obat yang papa benci. Papa bisa minum Coca cola dan es krim Paddle Pop coklat, papa bisa naik mobil antik jalan-jalan kemanapun yang Papa mau. Everything that life has taken away from you, you’d have it back. I love that for you. As much as I hate saying good bye, I know you’re in a better place now and I need to let you go.
I really wish you knew how much I love you. I love you so very much. You’re the best dad anyone could ever have. Me, theo, and ko Edo — The Alfatenz — will make you proud. Just don’t get tired looking after us, okay?
I’ll see you Dad. In one of my dreams, I’m sure.
