Let me tell you something about having your loved one pass away. You’d switch between ‘denial’ and ‘angry’ mode all the time. All you could think was “How could this be? Last week he was fine!” to “Why him, God? Why you always take the good ones away?”
Then you’d try to make everything better by numbing yourself – detaching from the very sad news. You’d try to brush it off by becoming cold-hearted. You’d almost convince yourself: “This is only a part of life. You’re born, you live, then you die.”
It sounds easy enough, isn’t it? But you keep forgetting, how many lives have they touched while they’re still alive? How many people smiled because of them, how many people loved them.
He’s my uncle. But he’s also someone’s brother, someone’s father, someone’s husband, someone’s friend, someone’s role model, someone’s employer. So many memories. And everyone of us just lost someone really dear to our hearts. And we just process it on our own. We grieve on our own. I remember him taking me to a restaurant to celebrate CNY. But my dad? My dad would remember him as his little brother.
The past couple of days I just couldn’t think straight. What could I ever say to someone who has just lost his younger brother? What could I ever say to his wife, who just lost the love of her life? What could I do that would make everything better? I wanted to say, “Stay strong”. But I knew it’s bullshit. Why would I say that? I wanted them to grieve however they choose to grieve.
Cry, cry, cry. Take his picture and make a tattoo. Cry again.
Sleep on his side of the bed. Smell his T-shirts. Listen to his voice and rewind the video of his.
You can cry yourself to sleep. That’s okay. You don’t have to be strong. You don’t have to keep it together. You’re entitled to break down. It’s okay. It’s aching, it’s numbingly painful, it’s the kind of wound that makes you want to leave everything behind and just stare at the wall, refusing to believe. It’s okay.
It’s the worst thing in the world – there’s no denying that – and yet it happens every day.
Someone passes away every second. Everywhere. And with it, there’s family wailing in the corner, there’s kids who will never see their dad or mom forever, there’s friends who will never create any new memory together any longer.
It scares the hell out of me. Knowing that I have my future lies ahead of me, and there’s so many deaths of the loved ones that I need to battle. Knowing that every single time, it would break me down to the very core. It would break my heart. And with another name on the tombstone, there’s another piece of my heart gone.
But I will love you. With every remaining pieces of my heart. I will love you still.
Rest in love, suk. I love you.