The Smartest or The Most Stupid Decision in My Life

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When my ex broke up with me, he put something up on his Facebook wall. He said, “I have just made either the smartest or the most stupid decision in my life.”

Well today, I’m about to do the same thing. I would be turning down a scholarship that I have been dreaming of since I was still in high school.

It’s a decision that I would either be grateful forever – or regret it for the rest of my life.

There’s nothing in between.

And there’s absolutely no way to know.

But right now, I just want to write and weep. I feel so emotional, but I can’t exactly pinpoint what I feel. It’s a mix of joy, sadness, confusion, mental breakdown, or maybe also hopefulness. On one hand, I am extremely glad because I was able to put out my best and achieve what I want. But on the other hand, I regret for not recognizing my true interest and passion earlier.

Most people will call me stupid. That’s alright. I just don’t want to live with regret, that’s all.

You only get one chance to get a Master Degree (unless of course, you finance it with your own money) and I want to get it right. I don’t want to take it only because it is prestigious and hard to get. It’s like, buying a Ferrari because everyone thinks it’s the best car there is. But rather than Ferrari, you’d absolutely love a cheap comfortable SUV 100x more. Nevertheless, people will call you stupid if you pick SUV rather than Ferrari.

I don’t know, guys. I really don’t know what the future holds. I have a bullet-proof plan in my mind but if it blows me out of the water, then what can I do? Maybe I’ll regret my only chance of studying in the UK. I only know that it’s time to make that decision and to stick by it. I need to move on and not looking back for what could have been.

At the same time though, I almost feel like I’m at peace. Does that make sense? I feel like I have recognized my true calling, something that I want to do for the rest of my life – my true passion. I feel like I can stop pretending to be someone that I’m not. And boy, does it feel liberating.

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Learn to Make Difficult Decision

In the midst of me being totally flustered, I shifted to Google and searched what people ought to do when they’re conflicted between two choices. It was exhilarating because 1) I realized that I am not alone in this world, many people are confused about bigger things in their lives, 2) I found some great articles that really make me understand what I want (read this CNN article, this Fortune, and this one from Tinybudha).

Here are some highlights that I want to share. I hope it can also help you when you’re on a crossroad:

1. Take the Fear Out, then You’ll Know

How many decisions in our lives were made out of fear? We’re scared that we won’t get another opportunity, so we stick with the job that we absolutely hate. We’re scared to be alone so we stay in a toxic relationship. The truth is, when we take the fear out, we’ll know exactly what we want. In my case, I’m afraid that I will not get another chance of studying. That’s it. That’s the only reason why I feel like I have to take the scholarship. But when I take the fear out, I imagine all the happy-ending possibilities and I’m gonna really push myself to make it happen.

Don’t make a decision only because you’re scared. The only thing that defines a bad decision is fear.

2. Most Decisions are not Permanent

When faced with two choices, we always feel as if one wrong decision would break our entire life. But in reality, it rarely happens. Most decisions we make are not permanent; they are irreversible. Yes, even married.

You can always opt-out when you feel like you don’t like the current decision. You will always have other choices and alternatives to make your dreams come true. The road to Rome is not singular. Here’s a quote I really like from the Forbes article:

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3. Listen to Your Gut

We all have a special relationship with our guts. Believe it or not, our body knows what we really want, maybe even more than our brains. However, listening to our guts is not easy. It does not have a clear symptoms or signs.

When I first got a letter of acceptance, the strange thing is I didn’t feel excited. I felt proud, of course, but not the kind that made me smile ear to ear. It was almost felt like I just checked the list. That’s when I started to realize that maybe this is not what I want. When I make a scenario to turn down the scholarship, my body feels relaxed and relieved. As if I just let go of a big burden.

In contrast, when I imagine that I will take it, my heart pounds so fast. I am anxious and tense. I got moody and upset. I think that’s my body trying to save me from making the wrong decision. I think that’s my gut telling me to chase after what I really want.[/vc_column_text][vc_empty_space height=”22px”][vc_separator type=”normal”][vc_column_text]

So, I would let go. I would make my own fate and let bygones be bygones. I would put my focus 110% to create the best future that I can.

I hope that one day, my future self will thank me for making this ‘stupid’ decision. I hope life turns out with a happy ending.

Wish me luck![/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row]