It was two years ago, 13 May 2015. I remember we were having a birthday together, and at the same time my organization was also conducting an event and invited her as the main speaker. We gave her a surprise by giving her a cake right at the end of the event. A year later, 13 May 2016. We’ve exchanged gifts and spent the night having a nice dinner and talking about everything.
This year, 13 May 2017. I won’t be able to see her again. Ever. She just passed away, and she was just 28 years old.
She’s my best friend, my lecturer, my inspiration, and one of the closest person to me.
I just met her last week. LAST WEEK! And she said she’s getting better and she’ll be back to teach soon. She said she’s been dating with this sweet Korean guy, and we had a video call for like three hours. She said she was getting better. But yesterday, I had to cope with the fact that she just passed away. Just like that. No warning, no closure, no symptoms, no nothing!! And I stunned. I literally sat staring blankly to the wall, begging, and begging, someone will scream at my face that it’s just a sick joke. Tell me anything else. Tell me that she’s actually okay and she’s just messing around.
But no. The more I said it, the more real it feels. She’s gone.
She’s gone.
She’s gone and will never come back.
And for the first time, I am feeling a tremendous pain that I haven’t felt before. It’s like crossing a road and in the blink of an eye, a truck hit you, and instead of fainted, you’re awake and you can feel all the pain spreading to every part of your body. You’re just struck, and you can’t do anything about it. Like there’s a hole left on your heart and it just felt blank. It’s empty.
If I knew that day was coming, I’d do everything I could to change it. It’s a split second that gives a mark to your life. And everything is changing. And the world will never be the same place.
She’s gone. I keep repeating that to myself, hoping for the pain to get better, hoping that I am strong enough to accept it. I tried to recall every consoling quotes “Time heals all pains”, “She doesn’t feel any pain now”, “A good soul die young”, or whatever the fuck it is. But she’s gone. She’s gone without me having a chance to tell her how much she meant to me. How much I love her. How much she changes my life, and my self. How much I appreciate our relationship. How much she taught me. How much I’m willing to give up just to have her by my side.
I don’t know what to do, what to say, what to think. Everyone is asking am I okay. And the only thing I could think of is how unfair the life is. She was like an angel, she was so young, and she had abundant dreams she wanted to pursue. It’s not fair!! We had promised to go to Korea to have a double date. We’d be each other’s bridesmaids if we ever get marry. We’d promised to see each other again, once her recovery is done. We’d promised to have a dinner together every year on our birthday. We’d promised to watch the newest Sherlock season together. And she’s not keeping the end of her deal. It’s not fair!!
She’s gone.
But her contact is on my speed dial. Her photos are in my wall board, hanging cheerfully amid other photos of my dreams. Her Instagram is still there, bloating some happy memories she made. Her gift to me is still hanging in my closet, waiting to be worn. How could she be gone? How can someone who is so full of life, suddenly worn out and disappeared? What happens next? I have no idea. When her boyfriend contacted me, my fingers were numb. What could I say to the person – whose loved one just pass away? What could I possibly say to ease their pain? How could you wake up one day and find out that this person is no longer there on earth? It’s not fair!
There are so many things that I want to say to her. So many things that I want to do with her. So many places to go together. And I took our time for granted. I haven’t been around as much as I want it to be. I got busy at work and sometimes we didn’t even talk for days and weeks. And I’m gonna regret that for the rest of my life.
I should’ve sacrificed everything, if that means she’s gonna stay longer. I should have gone every weekend to visit her and see if she’s okay. I should have called her just to joke around and make her laugh. We got the best sense of humor, the best inside jokes, and the most sarcastic witty comments exchange. I’d do anything to hear her laugh once more.
How should you heal the pain? Now everything that I see reminds me of her. There’s no way around it. We’ve spend three wonderful years as inseparable best friend. We’re like twins. We think alike, eat alike, and speak alike. We got the same birthday for God’s sake! How could you live in the world without her?
My heart is broken.
Reading her name gives me goosebumps.
My world just splits down in the middle.
She left a mark.
She gave me a comfort zone, and accept me for whoever the hell I am.
What should you do when you lose someone that you love so much?
I cried a lot lately.
I got this torturing pain, like someone left a hole that will never be replaced.
How could you replace the blank hole she left me?
She’s the one I wanna call every time I got a bad or a good news.
I don’t know how to cope with it. I just don’t.
I hope someday the pain got better and I could remember her all happily.
She’s gone.
But I never want her too.
I love you so much, Mbak Diandra.
